Respond; not react

If you’ve interacted with me over the past few weeks, you may have noticed a departure from my usual calm, sensible and balanced demeanor. Instead, you came face to face with an angry young woman who’d snap at you at the slightest provocation. It isn’t that I haven’t identified the change in my approach but anger and suspicion have been quick to dictate my actions especially with some people. Apologies have been made and also promises to not continue this brusque approach of being honest and direct without being kind or understanding. For the promise to hold good, some reflection was mandatory and coincidentally, some outside factors have played well into accelerating the understanding thus inching me back to my usual ‘don’t let anything get to you’ self.

Firstly, I’ve realized that pushing back with opinions and facts but doing so without first building a strong rapport with the person on the other side is absolutely useless. It does nothing to change minds and in fact, leaves the person more convinced of their idea and a little less fond of you. It is thus very convenient that I am currently reading the book ‘How minds change’ by David McRaney. In exploring if and why minds change, McRaney talks through multiple approaches of technique rebuttal and why it’s usually better than topic rebuttal especially when operating in an environment of low trust. As I approach the end of this book, I have learnt that (1) people want to be seen, understood and belong more than they want to be right, (2) be very sure about your motivation (the why) behind wanting to change someone’s mind and (3) no one will ever change their mind if they feel like they are being shamed, judged or pushed into a corner by you. Short story – unless you build a rapport, in an environment of low trust, no minds are going to change. At the same time, a show I have guiltily being indulging in called ‘Never Have I Ever’ also reiterated the same point of ‘everyone just wants to be seen, understood, respected and appreciated’. & here I was doing the exact opposite.

Secondly, I realized that I had been operating in an environment of low trust yet using tactics that only work in an environment of high trust. I would present facts and justifications on positions and when someone would reject them, flew into abrupt snapping because I felt unseen, unheard, not respected and rejected. In short – acting like an angry teenager to some people who I thought of as my ‘safe circle’. If I continued down that path, the environment of low trust would soon erode into hostility.

December is the season to rejoice but also reflect. The realization of now existing in a different environment than prior meant that tactics needed to change and it was more important than ever to bring back the calm and balanced demeanor. It is the ideal month to spend some time building a safe, respectful relationship in order to allow for both parties to land in a position where minds can change. This won’t happen overnight; especially when two individuals are on polar opposites and some snapping has already occurred; but the alternative isn’t appealing either. Now that I’ve realized where the reaction originates, it is for me to identify when I start feeling that way, to step away from the conversation and respond (not react) in a way that makes the other party feel safe and heard.

It looks like my December challenge of reflection and rejoicing has begun with a bang.