Not OK

not_ok_emojiSomething snapped last week. Almost suddenly the impact smashed its way into all aspects of my life including this blog. If you were looking you may have noticed that the number of posts dropped from three a week to two and (gasp) one. All that was good about being locked indoors (see previous post) suddenly felt tragic. I am currently struggling to get myself out of bed and sleeping all day doesn’t feel good either. Despite it all, I am clocking 8 hours and more per day at work, dragging myself from one call to another – so much for living my best quarantine life.

Did something change? Not anything I can point my finger to. Maybe I just grew weary of it all. Maybe the question of ‘There has got to be more to life than this’ came into my head and anchored itself there. I do not have an answer. Outwardly, nothing has changed. Yet everything has. I am clearly not OK – and being told over and over again that it is OK to not be OK but isn’t helping.

I took in all the advice on the internet. I exercised, I meditated, I spent endless hours on the phone, I started spending time watching movies, and I began experimenting more but nothing sparked joy. Then there’s this advice of taking time off which only translates into work more for two days so that you can take the next two off. I rather not.

I am not sad or miserable either. I feel like a machine going through one task after another day after day feeling little emotion outside of guilt. Guilt that everyone was saying I should be making the most of the situation, that I should use this time to pick new skills, learn and turn into superwoman.

I wish I could explain how I am feeling better.

The question – “How are you?” now has me stumped. I could lie through my teeth like everyone does and say, “I’m good” but I don’t feel like it. Hence, I am trying new avoidance techniques like answering the question with “How are you?” which I am told is good etiquette. Else I say, ‘That is a loaded question these days.” The deflection techniques are many and I am not sure if anyone really wants to know how I am doing or if they’re just sticking to what was once an acceptable opening line. Besides, I do not have a short answer. I have written over 300 words and have yet not scratched the surface of how I am.

So while I figure all of this out or just wait for it to tide over, I want you to know that if you see me missing from here, it is only because I am trying to take care of myself. I promise to return as often as possible because this site gives me a sense of fulfillment. I have a long list of topics I want to write about.  I promise – no matter what, the frequency will never dip to lower than once a week.

Until then, you take care.

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